Tick Tock

The biological clock may be one of the cruelest jokes in nature. It seems to be able to start it's incessant ticking at will regardless of the circumstances in a person's life. Here I am single, free to do anything I want with my life. There is nothing to hold me back. I could go anywhere and do anything. I could teach in a foreign country; finally pursue an MFA; join the peace corps. What do I want? The one thing I never thought I wanted......a traditional nuclear family. When I was married there were times I felt so trapped, I felt like my life was without choices. I wanted to have the freedom to pursue a more fulfilling career, to live life more adventurously, to do anything but rot in some suburb somewhere.

I guess what the biological clock teaches us is that life is really about timing. When I was married I assumed that some day I'd feel like having kids, but until that day came along I didn't want to be pressured into it. If I had kids I wanted it to be by choice when I felt we were ready. That time just never seemed to come along. Of course that time never came along because our marriage never became what it needed to be in order to have the right kind of home for a family. Thus my biological clock was on snooze.

Much to my surprise that clock kicked in shortly after the relationship ended. The first I realized it was when I spent an evening with a neighbor who was a stay at home mom of a three year old with another one on the way. I was overcome with a feeling I couldn't understand--jealousy. It hadn't been that long ago that the thought of being a stay at home mom seemed like an oppressive sentence and now I was jealous? Before long every time I was around children or babies I would feel this longing to have a family of my own. At times it almost hurts.

And what I want is more than children. It's the whole package. I want the daddy and the mommy with the kids, the cat and the dog. I want a swing set in the backyard and trucks and dolls to trip over on the floor. I want to be tired at night from playing with my children, not staying late at the office dealing with adults who act like children. I'd rather go on a play date with my kids than a blind date with "a really nice guy." I'd rather put a three year old in time out than write up a fifty year old for throwing a tantrum. I'd rather raise good people than hire and fire them. So my saved up wishes keep coming out. I'd rather be a mom than a manager, a wife rather than a boss. It doesn't feel like submitting to the patriarchy at all. It feels like the career I never knew I always wanted. A job where I can really make a difference.