Dream a Little Dream of Me

Ok, so the purpose of this blog, the focus of my existence these days is starting over. Beginning a new and better life for myself. As exciting as that may be at times, there are numerous days where I am reminded that I haven't a flippin' clue what I'm doing here. My old life may not have been everything I'd hoped it would be, but at least I knew how to live it.

I'm at an incredible impasse. I know a great deal about where I want to go and I'm very clear on where I am, but the part that falls in between there is VERY unclear to me. I'm on the sidelines saying, "Send me in coach," but I really don't even know what the game is, I just want to win and I'm pretty sure I can. I guess that isn't altogether bad, but I sure hate flying blind here.

I spent a good portion of my afternoon in a real funk feeling trapped in this weird purgatory of confusion. I just couldn't see a way to get to where I want to be, I felt so powerless and weak. I felt what I've always felt, unable to effect change in my life, that everything is somehow outside of my control. If someone else loved me more or supported me more, or if I weren't so alone I'd be fine. How could I possibly move forward if so much in my life is unresolved? Then I realized that I was right back where I started this journey. I was helpless all over again. By letting others create priorities for me I was by default waiting for someone else to fix it. That's not what I want, it never was. Damn it!! This is MY life! I have to do something. I CAN do something. I'm not sure exactly what, but committing to doing so is much more empowering than waiting for a game plan to fall from the sky.

So I don't need someone to dream of me or for me or tell me what to do. I need my own dreams and I must find my own way to get there. Thoreau said it best:

"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you've imagined."
--Henry David Thoreau