Dream a Little Dream of Me

Ok, so the purpose of this blog, the focus of my existence these days is starting over. Beginning a new and better life for myself. As exciting as that may be at times, there are numerous days where I am reminded that I haven't a flippin' clue what I'm doing here. My old life may not have been everything I'd hoped it would be, but at least I knew how to live it.

I'm at an incredible impasse. I know a great deal about where I want to go and I'm very clear on where I am, but the part that falls in between there is VERY unclear to me. I'm on the sidelines saying, "Send me in coach," but I really don't even know what the game is, I just want to win and I'm pretty sure I can. I guess that isn't altogether bad, but I sure hate flying blind here.

I spent a good portion of my afternoon in a real funk feeling trapped in this weird purgatory of confusion. I just couldn't see a way to get to where I want to be, I felt so powerless and weak. I felt what I've always felt, unable to effect change in my life, that everything is somehow outside of my control. If someone else loved me more or supported me more, or if I weren't so alone I'd be fine. How could I possibly move forward if so much in my life is unresolved? Then I realized that I was right back where I started this journey. I was helpless all over again. By letting others create priorities for me I was by default waiting for someone else to fix it. That's not what I want, it never was. Damn it!! This is MY life! I have to do something. I CAN do something. I'm not sure exactly what, but committing to doing so is much more empowering than waiting for a game plan to fall from the sky.

So I don't need someone to dream of me or for me or tell me what to do. I need my own dreams and I must find my own way to get there. Thoreau said it best:

"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you've imagined."
--Henry David Thoreau

The Dreaded Drunk Dial

drunk dial
Pronunciation: /'dr&[ng]k /'dI(-&)l
Function: verb
Etymology: Middle English, from Old English drincan; akin to Old High German trinkan to drink; Middle English dyal, from Medieval Latin dialis clock wheel revolving daily, from Latin dies day
Definition: To telephone a member of the opposite sex, with whom the person has a current or past relationship, while inebriated. ex. Jennifer drunk dialed her ex-boyfriend to tell him that she is still in love with him even though he is now married with a baby on the way.

While in college I observed many a girlfriend make the fatal error of drunk dialing, I even successfully prevented a few friends from making that fatal error. I, however, was always careful not to drink and dial. That is until recently.........

What is interesting was that at the time I didn't realize that I was drunk. I haven't been drinking much lately and apparently I have no tolerance anymore. After only 2 drinks I called an ex-boyfriend and dumped a huge emotional load in his lap before drifting off to sleep. The next morning I had a vague recollection of a phone call, but very little memory of the content of the conversation. I could only assume that I had said exactly what I had been feeling that day prior to the call. One sober call later my worst fears were confirmed.

I had said pretty much everything that had been on my heart and mind that day, which of course is something I probably wouldn't have done completely sober. Thanks to the inhibition negating powers of alcohol none of what was said was untrue, but still not the best way to have the discussion. What's odd in a way is that I probably would not have shared much at all with him and I probably should have, so in some ways the alcohol did me a favor, but oh, so painful a way to go about it. I guess at the end of the day I really needed him, I needed to talk to him and I did. Even so, from now on I'll be mindful not to drink and dial.

Tick Tock

The biological clock may be one of the cruelest jokes in nature. It seems to be able to start it's incessant ticking at will regardless of the circumstances in a person's life. Here I am single, free to do anything I want with my life. There is nothing to hold me back. I could go anywhere and do anything. I could teach in a foreign country; finally pursue an MFA; join the peace corps. What do I want? The one thing I never thought I wanted......a traditional nuclear family. When I was married there were times I felt so trapped, I felt like my life was without choices. I wanted to have the freedom to pursue a more fulfilling career, to live life more adventurously, to do anything but rot in some suburb somewhere.

I guess what the biological clock teaches us is that life is really about timing. When I was married I assumed that some day I'd feel like having kids, but until that day came along I didn't want to be pressured into it. If I had kids I wanted it to be by choice when I felt we were ready. That time just never seemed to come along. Of course that time never came along because our marriage never became what it needed to be in order to have the right kind of home for a family. Thus my biological clock was on snooze.

Much to my surprise that clock kicked in shortly after the relationship ended. The first I realized it was when I spent an evening with a neighbor who was a stay at home mom of a three year old with another one on the way. I was overcome with a feeling I couldn't understand--jealousy. It hadn't been that long ago that the thought of being a stay at home mom seemed like an oppressive sentence and now I was jealous? Before long every time I was around children or babies I would feel this longing to have a family of my own. At times it almost hurts.

And what I want is more than children. It's the whole package. I want the daddy and the mommy with the kids, the cat and the dog. I want a swing set in the backyard and trucks and dolls to trip over on the floor. I want to be tired at night from playing with my children, not staying late at the office dealing with adults who act like children. I'd rather go on a play date with my kids than a blind date with "a really nice guy." I'd rather put a three year old in time out than write up a fifty year old for throwing a tantrum. I'd rather raise good people than hire and fire them. So my saved up wishes keep coming out. I'd rather be a mom than a manager, a wife rather than a boss. It doesn't feel like submitting to the patriarchy at all. It feels like the career I never knew I always wanted. A job where I can really make a difference.

You Can't Make This Shit Up #2

Interesting character #2, I shall call her Cleveland.

Currently I'm working in commissioned sales, which is a story unto itself, but we'll save that for another day. One of the things that anyone in this environment has to learn how to do is to overcome objections. Nearly every person will say that he or she is "just looking" and it is the responsibility of the successful salesperson to overcome that objection in any number of ways. There are entire books written on the subject and the management of any retail establishment will argue that there isn't an objection that can't be overcome. Well, none of these folks met Cleveland.

So my afternoon began like any other. A customer walked through the door and I waited for her to walk in and get acclimated before I approached her. I said hello and asked how she was doing, she replied in kind. I asked her what brought her into the store today and she mentioned that her sister had ordered some end tables made by our company and she'd like to see what they looked like. Everything seemed to be moving along swimmingly. I asked her questions about the tables, even showed her a few. We found some that weren't exactly what her sister had described, but she really liked them just the same. The set had a square cocktail table with inlaid black marble and matching end tables. Perfect. Exactly what she needs.

"Would you like me to go ahead and write those up for you?"

"Oh, I'm from out of town, I was just looking really."

"Oh, where are you from?"

"Cleveland."

Since the Easter holiday is this weekend I assumed that she might be in town to visit family or something of the sort so I asked what brought her into town.

"I'm visiting a friend who is in the prison here."

I bet no one ever anticipated that objection. Needless to say I didn't close that sale. You just can't make this shit up.

Is Conventional Wisdom All That Wise?

At this juncture I really am trying to live my life with intention, to remember that at the end of the day this is MY life, and yet I keep falling prey to the pitfalls of my nature. I'm an odd paradox in countless ways, a source of amusement for many who know me. One of these paradoxes is centered around the expectations of others. I seem to approach my life decisions in such a way that I'm either doing what I believe I should do or expressly reacting against what is expected.

Here is a silly example of the way that manifests itself. I tend to be a non-conforming conformist. If a given thing is exceptionally fashionable, and everyone has it, say pea coats for example. I may really want one, not necessarily because everyone has one, but because I like it. If I were to buy the coat I would have to have one in a color that no one else has, then I am conforming, but I feel unique. Yet there are other times when I simply go along with what is expected. In the winter when wearing a dress I wear a long dress coat because fashion and etiquette dictate it and I don't give it a second thought.

Such is the case with my life. There have been countless times that I've dutifully been the "good girl," the good wife or daughter or friend. I've done what was expected because it was expected regardless of my personal thoughts or feelings. Then there are times I've insisted on my own path in opposition to expectations. What is flawed is that the benchmark is always the expectations of others instead of the path I've chosen for my own life. The result is that I have a life of everyone else's collective creation and rather than my own. If I intend to live my own life purposely the benchmark has to shift to something of my own making.

Lately I've fallen prey to the pitfalls of conventional wisdom, which we all know has it's limits. Everyone has heard that puppy love is fleeting and yet also knows couples who have been married for 50 yrs. after being high school sweethearts. We've all heard that you should never go into business with a friend and yet some of the most successful businesses were founded by friends. The truth is that conventional wisdom, like many other things is grounded in part in truth and in part in fiction and most certainly isn't universally applicable.

Expected behavior following a divorce is fraught with conventional wisdom. Most divorcees will tell you that one of the most irritating parts of the process is everyone's advice about how you should "get through it." In my case I ignored it all at first. I was going to do my own thing and disregard it all. Then when life didn't seem to be going quite as well as I'd like for it to I questioned my approach and began to listen to the advice. Before I knew what hit me I was trying to follow some of that conventional wisdom and be a "good divorcee." Surprise of all surprises, that isn't working out for me. I'm not a good divorcee. I just don't fit in that mold so I'm going to have to make my own. Maybe I could try being a good person instead.

So I think there is one piece of conventional wisdom that I will consider for the time being. I think for now I need to "follow my heart" if I'm ever going to live the life I've intended and live it fully. This is after all MY life.