It's About Forgiveness

To understand is to forgive, even oneself.
Alexander Chase

Somehow we all know, whether it be through popular wisdom, religion, or therapy that forgiveness is essential to healing and growth. We know in our heads when we need to forgive, but somehow it’s complicated to get our hearts to comply. I knew the only way to “move on” with my life was to forgive my ex-husband and ex-boyfriend for whatever hurts and wounds they may have caused. I knew I needed to forgive myself for my failings in those relationships, but the problem was in the execution.

I wish I could say there is a magic formula, but I know there isn’t. A great deal of time and contemplation and soul searching may or may not have led to my breakthrough, but it happened. Recently I was reading one of the many books I’ve read in my attempts at understanding the mess and hopefully learning from those failures to prevent future screw-ups. I realized how hard it is for me to receive love, which in turn hurts those who try to love me. It’s an ugly thing to know about yourself and yet to see it for what it really is and where it comes from sheds so much light into all the shadows. Somehow I was finally ready to forgive myself for my part in the demise of my relationships and it all came full circle.

With the simple act of forgiving myself I was finally able to fully forgive them and my heart was filled with a renewed and yet also new love for them. I finally understood, the questions were answered and I found peace. I stumbled across a photograph of my ex-husband and I only felt joy when I saw his face, then, much to my surprise, my ex-boyfriend called and again I felt but one emotion, pure and simple joy. I never dreamed I could feel this way. It was almost magical. Even more inexplicably it all combined in such a way that my love for my current partner grew within me as well.

Forgiveness is the final form of love.
Reinhold Niebuhr

So, at the end of the day understanding my failed relationships came in the form of forgiveness and included the unexpected surprise of peace, love and joy. I guess Don Henley said it best:

I’ve been trying to get down
To the heart of the matter
But my will gets weak
And my thought seem to scatter
But I think it’s about forgiveness.
Even if, even if—you don’t love me anymore.