So what if I'm wrong?

The thing that is wonderful about a really good friend is that he or she will call you out when you're being ridiculous. Such is the case with me. A week ago I was with my friends at a dinner party lamenting my lost love and my friends helped me to see something that I was blind to.......... The lost love DID actually care about me. I had become so preoccupied with wanting him to talk about his feelings for me that I completely failed to recognize the ways that he showed his feelings. Maybe he did care.......

So then a friend broke it down for me. He listed the pros and cons of being with Lost Lover. There were strikingly few cons. To which my response was, "It's too late." What followed that was this somewhat comical list of questions and a reasonably wise comment from the friend:
"Did you break any laws?"
"Hurt any members of his family?
"Burn his house down?"
"Murder anyone?"
"Then I think you might have a shot."

So there it was, the ball in MY court. And I was realizing that maybe life doesn't happen to me, maybe I can have some impact. Maybe I needed to take a risk and try to mend fences. Suddenly I was soaring at the idea of having a chance, albeit a crap shoot at best. I was fully willing to go out on a limb and get shot down because at least I'd tried.

My jump into taking a risk for love came in two parts. First I called Lost Love to see when he would be around. I had two purposes in mind. I wanted to send him flowers and a simple apology with hopes that if the peace offering were well received I could talk to him in person. Step one was guardedly well received so I proceeded with step two and we talked.

The conversation was great, I was able to take responsibility for my part in things and we had a real conversation about where we'd been together and apart and where we might be going either together or apart. What's next? I don't know, but what I do know is that I'm growing in positive ways and if he is alongside for the journey that would be wonderful. If he isn't, at least I took a risk well worth taking.

3 Loves

In the wake of a recent breakup I've been spending a lot of time thinking about what went wrong. Up to this point every relationship has ended and that really isn't my goal, so what can I do to get this right?

Well, I've been in love in one way or another three times in my life. The first love was puppy love. My high school sweetheart was the most fun and romantic of all my loves, but outside of that there wasn't much substance to the relationship. My memories of our time together are so happy and fun. He was the ideal first love, the kind I hope my imaginary daughter will have some day. There is a reason that everyone has a first love and that is because first loves are seldom meant to last. My heart was utterly broken when we broke up, but life sent me someone else. My second love was meant to be the love of my life. I spent ten years with him and he was my spouse for 6 of those years. The attraction to him was so intellectual; he was the first guy I knew with whom I could discuss art, literature, philosophy and theology. I was thrilled and so was he; he fell for me quickly and intensely and it felt so good to be loved. I loved him for how he made me feel and how he felt about me. Sadly, that wasn't enough. I never dreamed things would end this way, but we divorced. Then my third love was a complete surprise. This time I was the one who fell in love without much thought or effort. I finally understood love. I loved him just as he was for a million big and little reasons that all added up to real unconditional love. I didn't love him for what he did for me or how he made me feel; I loved him simply for being himself. Unfortunately he never grew to feel the same way. I believe the relationship lasted as long as it did because of how I made him feel, which sadly is not unlike my experience with lover number two. Thus we parted ways. Even so I haven't stopped loving him and I suppose that sort of love doesn't really go away, rather the heart must evetually grow to love someone else as much or even more intensely.

So what can be learned from this? On one hand it might seem that I have a knack for picking ill-suited partners, but I've arrived at another theory. Maybe I'm meant to look for someone who possesses the wonderful qualities of all three, or maybe there are other wonderful qualities that I haven't even thought of. Some day someone will come along and we will fit, we will both love each other as we are and do so unconditionally. That is the partner I wish to spend the rest of my life with and I should settle for nothing less.

Surviving V-Day

So I made it through Valentines Day unscathed surprisingly enough. I of course would have preferred to be snowed in with a sweetheart cuddling up by a fire, but being trapped with Mom and Dad wasn't too painful. It's not that Valentines Day makes me feel any more single or lonely, most of my V-Days when I wasn't single weren't all that special, but still a day dedicated to romance is sort of lost on those of us without romantic options. I have to believe that some day I'll be in a relationship filled with love and romance and I'm looking forward to that.

Moving Back Home

I grew up in a small town in Ohio and never was thrilled with being there. So the first chance I got I left home never intending to come back. Well, life happened and here I am back at the beginning starting my life over after a very tumultuous year. I'm optimistic about what might be before me, but sad and brokenhearted about the old life that slipped away. I miss my friends, who of course can never be replaced, but know that on the upside my circle of friends will just get bigger. So this blog is intended to chronicle my new life and all the ups, downs and adventures that I encounter.