Saved-Up Wishes

When you love someone all your saved-up wishes start
coming out.
--Elizabeth Bowen

When I was in eighth grade I had a yellow pendoflex
folder that I recorded little sayings and quotations
upon in brightly colored pen. I'm not sure why or how
this practice started, but eventually the entire
surface inside and out was covered with tiny bits of
wisdom. I carried that folder through highschool and
even college like some sort of metaphysical security
blanket occasionally finding little spaces to add more
sage advice to the ragged folder. I carried it with me
into my adult life and until recently kept it like a
treasure in a box of other things that were meaningful
to only me. I decided that it was time to part with
the tattered folder in an attempt at purging some of
these "treasures" from my life (reference "Settling
In" to see the urgency of such activities.) Before I
could let it go I had to transfer the wisdom to another
source and so I recorded most of the quotations into
my molskein(my adult replacement for the yellow folder
I fear.) While taking this trip down memory lane it
was striking to see the ways that my perspective
had grown or changed now that I had I few more years
under my belt. Surely these words resonated with me
then, but some of them were so much more meaningful to
me now. As is the case with this particular
quotation.

I can't begin to imagine what attracted me to it all
those years ago, but I suppose it sounds good even
without understanding or experience. Now I've
lived those very words. I've loved and lost a few
times over at this point and recently that has been a
primary theme in my life. One of the wounds of my
divorce was this fear that maybe I wasn't capable of
really loving as I should. Then quite by surprise I
found myself in love. Suddenly my saved-up wishes came
bubbling to the surface and the life that I thought I
wanted was almost instantly negated. Things I hadn't
let myself wish for were now burning desires in my
heart. Was this because of my new found love? Well yes,
but not the man who I was growing to love. I was
finally growing to love myself. Now, I'm sure this
isn't exactly what Elizabeth Bowen had in mind, but can
we truly love someone else without loving ourselves
first? I think not.

So here is to saved-up wishes! Those glorious
desires of the heart that are well worth pursuing.
Henceforth I will purposely live so that wishes may
never go into storage again.