All I Really Want............

Ever remember something that hasn't entered your mind since what seems like forever? I had that experience very recently.

The psychologist in me is always fascinated by the nature/nurture phenomenon. How much of who we are is "hard-wired" in our DNA and how much is the sum total of our experiences? And better yet, how do we know? This is mostly a curiosity for me and not a real research problem I intend to solve, mostly because I suspect there will never be an answer and part of me likes the mystery that such a quandary creates. Anyway..............

Since I've sort of rebooted my life lately and find myself in the process of reinventing my life I've found myself pulling back and really asking, "what do I want?" Recently I was trying to imagine my ideal life without allowing my logical side to interrupt and the most vivid memory washed over me.

When I was in high school one of my teachers, probably an English teacher, although I don't exactly remember, asked us to write an essay about our ideal life. What it would look and feel like, what a "typical day" would be like. I can remember nearly every thought, image and feeling from that essay. What is remarkable is how similar my desires are now. The place I imagined, the life I was living, the way I was spending my time. All are things I still want today (with a few additions and modifications.) Remarkable really.

I suspect that I "forgot" this little dream because I decided at some point that is wasn't realistic or responsible. I'm sure if I had remembered it or stumbled across the actual essay I would have chalked it up to youthful idealism and dismissed it offhand, but I really was on to something. I knew what would make me happy, what would be the truest expression of myself. I knew it better as a kid than I seem to have as an adult. Amazing really. At some point I started trying to live a logical, orderly life that fit someone else's mold. I never even let myself want anything for myself somehow assuming my needs would get met in the end, or maybe disregarding them altogether. Maybe its time to listen to the inner teenager (excluding fashion choices) and pursue a life less ordinary?