On Beauty

In my now long litany of unimpressive jobs I have transferred to the cosmetics department at the store where I've been working. For those who know me that is a source of amusement because until recently I rarely wore makeup. The primary reason for my lack of makeup has always been that I'd rather sleep ten minutes more in the morning and cosmetics lose out as a priority. That said, I now wear makeup daily. Apparently a large number of women do.

My actual position is selling fragrances, but I help out with the cosmetics as well, and I have plenty of opportunity to watch the other salespeople with their customers. The thing that is interesting to me about the buying behavior of the cosmetics shopper is that they often come in with a problem to solve, rather than a item they want or need. When people buy sweaters they say, "I want a blue sweater to go with these pants." When women walk up to the cosmetics counter they say, "I have these deep wrinkles on my face, do you have something that will fix that?"

I'm not the first to notice this, Eve Ensler's The Body Project is a play all about this very concept. That women somehow view our bodies as a project, a problem to solve. And as much as I know this, to see it every day is heartbreaking. Most of these women are already beautiful as they are. Just yesterday a woman bought $400 worth of wrinkle creams and as she was checking out she told me she was 60. She didn't look a day over 40. Now maybe that is a testament to the effectiveness of the products, but I can't imagine a man fighting nature to the tune of $400 on a regular basis.

Of course as I drove home wondering how women get suckered into this quest for youth and beauty I had to think of myself. I'm pretty fortunate to be in reasonably good health and good shape. Yet I focus on tiny imperfections that I see through a similarly distorted lens. If I had the money would I blow large amounts on things to fix my tiny imperfections? I hate to admit that I might. The sad truth is that the beauty we see in people seldom has anything to do with their appearance. I've known some physically gorgeous women who were so ugly as people that I never even thought of them as pretty. And I've known some odd looking people who were so spectacularly beautiful in their hearts, minds and actions that I didn't even notice their odd physical appearance anymore. I guess at the end of the day a beautiful soul is much harder to package and sell.

It's About Forgiveness

To understand is to forgive, even oneself.
Alexander Chase

Somehow we all know, whether it be through popular wisdom, religion, or therapy that forgiveness is essential to healing and growth. We know in our heads when we need to forgive, but somehow it’s complicated to get our hearts to comply. I knew the only way to “move on” with my life was to forgive my ex-husband and ex-boyfriend for whatever hurts and wounds they may have caused. I knew I needed to forgive myself for my failings in those relationships, but the problem was in the execution.

I wish I could say there is a magic formula, but I know there isn’t. A great deal of time and contemplation and soul searching may or may not have led to my breakthrough, but it happened. Recently I was reading one of the many books I’ve read in my attempts at understanding the mess and hopefully learning from those failures to prevent future screw-ups. I realized how hard it is for me to receive love, which in turn hurts those who try to love me. It’s an ugly thing to know about yourself and yet to see it for what it really is and where it comes from sheds so much light into all the shadows. Somehow I was finally ready to forgive myself for my part in the demise of my relationships and it all came full circle.

With the simple act of forgiving myself I was finally able to fully forgive them and my heart was filled with a renewed and yet also new love for them. I finally understood, the questions were answered and I found peace. I stumbled across a photograph of my ex-husband and I only felt joy when I saw his face, then, much to my surprise, my ex-boyfriend called and again I felt but one emotion, pure and simple joy. I never dreamed I could feel this way. It was almost magical. Even more inexplicably it all combined in such a way that my love for my current partner grew within me as well.

Forgiveness is the final form of love.
Reinhold Niebuhr

So, at the end of the day understanding my failed relationships came in the form of forgiveness and included the unexpected surprise of peace, love and joy. I guess Don Henley said it best:

I’ve been trying to get down
To the heart of the matter
But my will gets weak
And my thought seem to scatter
But I think it’s about forgiveness.
Even if, even if—you don’t love me anymore.